Home Sweet Home: The Bad

So, if you've read part 1, you now know that I am stranded in my hometown until my car is ready at 3:00pm the next day. Prepare yourself for the Bad portion of the visit, presented in bulletpoint format. *deep breath*

• I'm sitting on the floor in the middle of the den, looking through the books I bought earlier in the day at the only (used) book store in town. My mom, sitting in her chair, whips out 2 bulging envelopes...filled with grocery store coupons. Here's the conversation that ensues:

• Mother: Look what I saved for you! Coupons!
• Me: (knowing she's been saving coupons for decades) Ooh, wow. Thank you!...I'll look through them when I get home (knowing full well 'we're' going to go through them right now...whether I want to or not).
• Mother: ...and none of them have expiration dates (red light #1), so you can use them whenever you get ready!
• Me: That's great. Thank you, I appreciate it! I'll look at them later.
• Mother: Oh you're welcome. Here's one for Parkay Margarine (sigh...here we go).
• Me: I don't use that brand. I buy Bluebonnet.
• Mother: You don't? But it's 50¢ off.
• Me: I don't use that brand. I'm just telling you. Wait...do these coupons even have barcodes on them? Lemme see that Froot Loops one. God, mother, how old are these anyway? *Laughing* I can't use them if they don't have a barcode, I'll blow some poor cashier's mind. They won't take them if they don't have a barcode to scan. You know what a barcode is, right?
• Mother: No, what's that?
• Me: *looking around for a point of reference...I pick up a nearby box of Kleenex and turn it over* THIS is a barcode. If they don't have this, I won't be able to use them.
• Mother: *completely ignoring me* Triplex, you like those?
• Me: What? LOL! They haven't made that cereal since 1987.
• Mother: Oh. Lemme see what else is in here (what follows is our back & forth conversation):
Pert shampoo?
What? I don't even know if they still make that anymore (as it turns out, they do).
Dinty Moore soup?
I don't eat that.
Okay. Soft 'n Pretty toilet paper?
LOL! They don't make that anymore either. Besides, I use Cottonelle.
Chester's Prepopped Popcorn? You like popcorn.
What the hell is that? I've never even heard of that. I use microwave popcorn.
Rice Krispies?
Yeah, I buy those. I'll use that one.
Apple Raisin Crisp?
They don't make that anymore.
Oatbake?
They don't make that anymore either.

This goes on for another 30 minutes. Here's just a sampling of what followed:

• Save 25¢ on California Pretzels (never heard of them)
• Save 10¢ on any 7 flavors of Pearson Candy (what?)
• Save 25¢ on Kotex Light Days PantiLiners (forget the fact that it's circa 1980, I don't have a vagina)
• Save 15¢ on Tender Vittles (circa 1982 + I haven't had a cat for nearly 10 years)
• Save $1 on High Point Decaffeinated Instant Coffee (huh?)
• Save 15¢ on any size bottle of Listermint (back from when they still came in glass bottles...turns out they actually still make this product. News to me)
• Save 25¢ on Arrid Extra Dry (circa 1983)
• Buy 3 cans of Tender Chunks Dinners and get a fourth FREE! (circa 1981 + I don't eat dog food...yet)
• Save 25¢ on New Freedom Maxi or Mini Pads (again, vagina-free here, folks...circa 1982)
• Save 10¢ on Honeycomb Cereal (there's a picture of the kid from Sigmund and the Sea Monsters on the box, if that tells you anything)

*For any skeptics who may be thinking "Oh, he's exaggerating," here's a visual for you.


Naturally, I somehow manage to break my only pair of sunglasses. Great. It takes me forever to find a good pair that A) fits my head and/or B) has a lens shape that doesn't look too retarded (AKA Xtreme snowboarder/NASCAR fan). So we're in the car, running errands before we meet my Dad for lunch, and I'm trying to bend the earpiece so that I can at least make them somewhat useable. We get out of the car, I'm talking to someone and *plink* one of the earpieces completely falls off and falls to the ground with a metallic tinkling sound. I'm standing there in mid-sentence with sunglasses dangling diagonally on my face. I throw the fuckers away.

Back in the car, I'm squinting like crazy (being a hermit, I'm very sensitive to sunlight). I finally just close my eyes and rest my head on the passenger side window. My mom rifles through the storage compartment located between the two front seats, hands me her sunglasses and offers for me to wear them. Wonderful. So, there I am wearing white-framed sunglasses (complete with fashion bar across the top), circa 1982, lenses big enough to double as dessert plates, looking like a disgruntled Carol Channing with a thyroid condition. At the next stoplight we're parked next to someone I went to high school with. I die a little inside.

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Every stop is a 10 minute purse rummage: The bank (rummaging for check to deposit. The one she just had in her hand less than 5 minutes ago...now hopelessly lost), The gas station (gas card), post office (P.O. box key), Water bill (payment), getting back in the car (car keys), pills...money...exact change...Kleenex...gum...a pen... An hour and a half I will never get back. My eyes glaze over. I marvel at how she's managed to escape being pummeled by assorted townsfolk.

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The 45 minute ham sandwich/hot dog saga. My Dad comes home telling us how he wanted a ham sandwich for lunch. He went "everywhere" : Jack in the Box AND Whataburger (forget that there's a friggin' Subway in town):

• Dad: No one makes a ham sandwich. I went to Jack in the Box and they didn't have one, but offered me a chicken sandwich. I told them I didn't want a chicken sandwich, I wanted a ham sandwich. They didn't have one, so I went to Whataburger and they didn't have one either. I ended up getting a chicken sandwich. It wasn't that good. $3 they charge me! For a sandwich!
• Me: (I'm on auto-pilot, having heard this story for decades) How dare they!
• Dad: Everything is so expensive these days.
• Me: They should just give it away.
• Mother: (chiming in) You know who has good prices, that place where we get those footlong hot dogs.
• Me: Sonic?
• Mother: I can't remember the name. You (my Dad) know where I'm talking about. Where we got the hot dogs that time.
• Me: Sonic?
• Dad: Yeah, those were good. I can't remember the name either.
• Me: The place across from where K-Bob's Steakhouse used to be? (Sonic)
• Mother: Yes! That's the place. What's it called?
• Me: *deep breath* Sonic.
• Mother: Yeah, they have good hot dogs.
• Me: *blink*

Part 2 of 4