Milquetoast Seeks Acceptance from The Man

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old lesbian. I have a wonderful partner and we have an amazing 10-year-old son. My problem is, we seem to offend people when we refer to ourselves as a "family." I have had people correct me, sometimes even suggesting that I refer to my family as "my friend and my son" or "my friend and her son" (depending on who they think is the biological mother).

Abby, this woman is more than my friend. She's my partner, my life mate, my support and my co-parent. We try to be sensitive to people's beliefs and not call each other "wife" or refer to our union as a "marriage," but how far do we have to take this? We are a family. Our son calls us both "Mom."

We aren't "in your face" with our lifestyle, but to deny our partnership is to deny our son his family. We generally refer to each other as "my partner," which I think is an inoffensive term, but even that can send some people into a snit.

How should we handle people who want to redefine us? Why is it so hard for them to acknowledge that, untraditional though we may be, we are a family? — TRYING NOT TO OFFEND IN TEXAS

DEAR TRYING NOT TO OFFEND: Forgive me if this seems negative, but some people are so rooted in their fundamentalist ideology that they cannot and will not change. Please don't waste your time or breath trying to reach or teach them. The way to handle people who want to force you into their mold is to avoid them. Try it. You'll be a lot happier, and so will they.

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First off, I'm totally with her when she says that they aren't "in your face" when it comes to their lifestyle (and there's no reason to be, unless you're one of those people who's got "something to prove" and like the stigma of outcast), but that still doesn't mean you have to be a total doormat just because other people have issues. Fuck them. That's not your problem, it's theirs. Secondly, they live in Texas. DUH! And thirdly (thirdly?), personally, I've never had a hard time coming up with a term for two gay people who are in a "committed" relationship...I put committed in quotations because sooo many gay couples (especially the male ones), believe in an "open relationship" concept, which I think is total bullshit (don't even get me started).

Personally, I don't like the term life-partner because that conjures up images of a terminal patient and their day nurse -or- partner, 'cause that makes me think they just shook on a long-term investment or just rode in on a horse -or- soulmate, which sounds waaaaay too New Age crystalicious-"I just made a wind chime"-y -or- significant other because it sounds too much like they just drew up legal papers to cohabitate. I prefer boyfriend, because I think it's succinct. Why go into a bunch of unnecessary blah blah blah explanation, when you can merely say "boyfriend." Straight people know what that means and it doesn't carry the stigma of all the other "gay" terminology. And I'm sure someone out there is saying "But, Kirk, they're more than just my boyfriend/girlfriend and I want people to know that we're in a committed relationship." To that I say eh. Why concern yourself with whether or not some total stranger knows the intimates of your life. It's just a friggin' office party, fund raiser, S&M fashion show (ahem), etc. Save the details for people you get to know better 'cause most people really don't care, especially those who, as Abby pointed out "are so rooted in their fundamentalist ideology that they cannot and will not change."