I'm Gonna Git You Pucka! + Summer Fashion '06

Welcome to the summer of The Pucker! I've noticed this disturbing trend lately and felt compelled to document it so that you, my dear readers, will continue to be the kind of informed consumers that I know you can be. Don't let this happen to you!


A: The reason I took this photo is 3-fold: [1] I didn't realize short shorts had made a comeback with anyone outside of the cast of Hee-Haw. [2] The material the shorts were constructed from was so sheer I could see the blue star on the ass of her panties. Seriously. Unfortunately you can't make it out that clearly in this photo, but trust me, it wasn't hard to see in reality. Maybe if you look really closely you can make out the faint blue outline of a star. Is this supposed to be "sexy?" I just felt bad that she couldn't afford better quality shorts. [3] The Pucker.

B: First off, I apologize for the grainy quality of this photo. I was caught off guard when this Pucker moment presented itself. I was just leaving the grocery store, studying my receipt, when I suddenly had to break out the camera and take this photo. The legs are kinda beeftacular, but Gatorade Man needs to liberate his shorts from his crackular region.

C: This Puckerpotamus has a delightful story tucked away in her photo. I was at Hollywood Video browsing through the previously-viewed DVDs. I was on one side of a the shelf, Puckerpotamus and daughter were on the other side. The daughter (in her early teens) picks up a copy of the DVD Saved! and says to her Mothra mother, while pointing to Macaulay Culkin: "Isn't he the guy that was in Home Alone?" to which her mother snorts "Yeah." Then the girl says "I heard he was gay."(the word 'gay' said in a hushed tone) The mother replies "I dunno if he's GAY...he looks it." The daughter shoots back with "How? (does he look gay)" The mother, sensing my presence ('cause I'm so gay) said something in super-secret whisper-y tones that I couldn't make out. Now I'll never know how not to look super gay. DAMMIT!

Instead of making me angry, it makes me kinda sad that there are parents out there already shaping mindsets for their litter. Talk about vicious cycles.

The Summer Fashionista of 2006
A: The Modified Wedge. If it was good enough for preppy boys in 1988, it's good enough for our budding fashionista. Now that you're in the style loop, make your appointment to get one today! Ultra manageable! [ Print this photo out for your hair stylist's easy reference ]

B: Bulging, toned biceps are all the rage this summer. Get started on yours today! Don't be afraid to be labeled 'dainty.' Feel the burn!

C: The faux leather Le Bag is back with a vengeance! Seen here in Olestra Caramel, it's also available in a stellar array of fecal favorites! Plenty of room for those must-haves: Oreos, Pringles, fudge! Has built-in insulated compartment for popsicles, summer's must-have elixir on a stick!

D: The Pucker. It's the latest fashion craze for summer! Just gather excess fabric in the nether region of your shorts, Capri pants or other attire worn below the waste and tuck discreetly into your crack. If only all the hottest trends were this easy!

E: Shoe divas worth their weight in Payless Shoes* know that the red blood-engorged heel is this summer's mark of distinction. Easily obtained by eating foods high in sodium, this is a look even the fiercest diva can accomplish. *As seen at the Callous Hut.